Using Mantras To Find Resiliency Through Trauma

Photo by Derek Todd Photography

Martin’s mission is fighting invisibility. That means that raising many voices — and sharing one’s truth — is critical. We’re an agency filled with diverse perspectives and experiences, and we believe in providing platforms for our people to tell their stories. In this post, Denisha shares her story about overcoming trauma and writing a children’s book series.

My first shot at being a mother was way harder than I thought motherhood would ever be. I knew being a mom was difficult after watching my own mother single-handedly raise three kids while working crazy hours as a corrections officer. But I never imagined that, when I became a mom myself, I’d be spending so much time in the hospital. That’s what happened when my son Mejay, then just three months old, was diagnosed with necrotizing enterocolitis, a serious condition that inflames and kills your intestinal tissue. He had multiple surgeries and lived in the hospital for months.

It only got harder. One day while Mejay was sick, I gave myself a break from the hospital to go celebrate my birthday. The next morning, in April 2007, Mejay died at five-and-a-half months old. If I’d known he was so close to death, I never would have left the hospital. As punishment to myself, I stopped going to church with my family and stayed home.

I became a very hateful person after Mejay’s death. I hated God. He disappointed me after I prayed and prayed for Mejay to get better so he could go home. When Mother’s Day rolled around after Mejay’s death, I was so mad — I spent the day sitting on Facebook and watching everyone else celebrate being a mother.

I thought that I would give up on the idea of motherhood altogether. But eventually, I started to look around with less hate because I realized that life was still happening around me, whether I participated in it or not. When two women I worked with became pregnant, I knew I wanted another chance at being a mom.

When I became pregnant with my second son, Aden, I discovered that parenting a healthy baby was difficult, as well — especially because I couldn’t stop the fearful thoughts about this baby getting sick and dying, too.

I knew I wanted to be present for and appreciative of my baby, so in trying moments, I found strength in telling myself that this is what I wanted and asked for. That’s where the phrase that eventually inspired my children’s book series was born — “We Don’t Cry, We Try.” This mantra gave me patience when Aden wanted to feed at 3 a.m., and it's a lesson I later found myself imparting to him when he cried over things like not being able to fit his coat buttons together. Just like we can’t complain and give up because something is stopping us from buttoning our coats, we can’t complain or give up on goals that will lead us to bigger successes in life. We can overcome obstacles.

The message of “We Don’t Cry, We Try” isn’t meant to come across as insensitive. It doesn’t mean that we don’t cry or shouldn’t cry. It’s that we can’t let doubt or fear — or, as is often the case with kids, the easy scapegoat of complaining — hold us back from reaching our goals and being the best versions of ourselves.

I knew I wasn’t the first person to go through a traumatic experience, and I came to understand that those who did either drowned in their sorrows or continued living with a story to tell. I wanted to keep living and to share my story and the lessons I’d learned with others — that’s where the “we” part of “We Don’t Cry, We Try” comes into play. We can motivate others to keep trying and not give up.

I want to share this mantra with others via my writing. The three books in the “We Don’t Cry, We Try” series focus on a young boy named Don who initially gets frustrated when presented with new or tough experiences like behaving while at a restaurant or going back to school. The books teach kids that, instead of becoming irritated and giving up, they can listen and ask for help when trying to reach their goals.

Living The Mantra

I started writing at a young age. When I was little and would visit my grandfather Popie, he would always encourage me to practice the cornet, become a doctor and write letters to family members. I would drag my feet about doing all these things, and when Popie saw this, he would say loudly, “Why? Because you’re scared?” I think he was really asking if I feared being great — I knew I was scared of the hard work it would take to be successful.

After he passed away, I wanted to do something to make him proud. The writing he used to nudge me into doing soon became writing just for fun. I used to write letters to my mother asking permission to go out somewhere, and eventually I’d write to my friends when they went away to college.

The habit of writing stuck, and so did Popie’s lesson about not being scared of hard work. These two gifts intersected when I tried to find a publisher for the book series. Initially, I received rejections. But I didn’t want to abandon my dream of providing a mantra for others, so I self-published my books on Amazon. I’ve since sold over 200 books, but what’s more important to me is the feedback I’ve gotten from readers who say the series has helped their children. I’m shooting for a best-seller with my next book called “We Ball,” which is about a boy who is nervous about wearing his hearing aids to play basketball.

I’ve also been able to discover other communities that embrace the “We Don’t Cry, We Try” mantra outside of the book’s readers. When I moved to Virginia, I joined life coach Lia Monet’s female entrepreneurship group, Her Hectic Life, and found a group of Black women who were juggling motherhood and entrepreneurship just like I was. These women never give up on their goals for success, even if they experience setbacks in life or business. Joining the group has helped me stay focused on my mission to motivate others to try even when life is hard.

It’s also taught me to believe in myself: In 2019, I applied for the group’s GrindGoddess Scholarship. I won, and I used the scholarship to fund my own website.

Finding resilience after trauma isn’t easy. It takes time to realize that our bad experiences don’t have to define our future. Second chances do exist.

It’s important to use affirmations and mantras in our daily lives to remind us of what we’re working toward when times get rough. It's natural to have setbacks after trauma, but we have to create pathways for ourselves to move past negative thoughts.

I’m thankful for my own mantras and for the people like my sister and husband who believed in me even when I doubted myself. Like my little cousin Naomi says, “Life is hard, but not impossible.” That means we don’t cry — we try.